Why is it that rules still after 7 months don't seem to mean a thing to my newbees? Jaryd just seems to think that the rules still apply to everyone else but him. We have repeatedly told him he cannot put things in his backpack from home to take to school. No toys, no food, no nothing. But, like any other 9 year old boy he still pushes that limit. This morning his backpack was filled with food and colored pencils that he knew he was not allowed to take to school. He sneaked them in there this morning while I was finishing getting ready. I noticed that his backpack was making a funny noise. I checked and sure enough there it was. I know this does not necessarily have any thing to do with being adopted or maybe it does. I know this is just 9 year old boy behavior. But, it is so frustrating. Of course, I was the bad guy because he got caught. I tried to explain to him once again that it was his behavior that caused him to loose privileges not just the fact that I caught him. I am only the enforcer of the rules. I explained to him also that parents have rules to follow too. If we didn't follow the rules of the God and of the world, what a terrible mixed up place this world would be.
I just pray daily that God will give me wisdom in my discipline. I do hope that in the next few months life will begin to settle in. I keep thinking it will but so far no such luck. Well, with four kids in the house it is a little hard to have complete quietness.
Jacob seems to be an arguer. He always has a come back for everything that you say. We are working very hard on talking back. He thinks he should have the last word. This is definitely a challenge.
I will say that yesterday afternoon was my dream time of being a mother of four small children. Jaryd and Jacob were in their room playing cars so quietly you would barely know they were there. Alyssa was sitting at the play desk coloring and cuting and pasting. She enjoys making projects so much. Kailyn was playing in the play area in the den. I am not sure what she was playing, but all was quiet. It allowed me to get dinner ready. So see there are some good times. They are not all bad. I sound a little negative in the beginning, but just to let you know things are not always bad.
Nana is going to start having school with Alyssa one day a week until school is out for the others. She is missing a little of her alone time with Nana. So Nana decided to have one morning a week with her just for her special time.
I have become another mini-van mom. We had a Tahoe with three seats that sat everyone comfortably, but it did not allow for groceries, stroller or lawn chairs for soccer games. I could have one on the list but not two. We looked and looked for a new vehicle and the only thing that I could find that would fit everything in was a Town and Country mini-van. So I have joined the ranks for the mini-van moms again. I swore I would never own another, but I guess God has a wonderful sense of humor. Never say never right. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with owning a mini-van, I just thought I had moved on to the SUV land. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great week in the Lord.
Tammy
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Rules
Posted by Kevin and Tammy at 8:24 AM
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5 comments:
As for your question about rules, both things you mentioned actually sound pretty "adoption" (former life) related to me.
As for the stuff in the backpack, this actually sounds like a form of hoarding. If this is the case, it most likely has roots in early deprivation and/or trauma. Sadly, there IS no rule or consequence that will stop the behavior or even make it slow down. It is a manifestation of a deep seated fear of never having enough and possibly abandonment as well. Hoarding can manifest itself in many ways. While my little DS does have some anxiety about food, he actually hoards toys...but not by stashing them. He will fill backpacks or purses or bags or basically any container full of one or two pieces from every toy we own and will haul them all over the place. It's like his security blanket. He does this at home, and he does it at school (much to the frustration of his teacher who also refuses to understand that discipline won't fix the issue.) I've heard of others who hoard paper or office supplies or whatever.
You may want to try an approach such as this with him: "Oh, I see you have some extra things in your backpack today. You must be really scared that these things won't still be here when you get home. You probably feel like you have to take them to school in order to make sure they don't disappear. (Watch his expression and eyes at this point - he'll tell you either through that, or an abrupt mood shift that you hit the nail on the head.) Well, even though I know you're afraid, sweetie, we have a little problem. I can't let you take them to school with you - both you and I will get in trouble for that. But, we can find a special place for these things where nobody will touch them. I promise they will still be here when you get home, right as you left them." Then let him pick the place where his treasures will live until after school and have him put them there and arrange them however he wants. When he gets home from school, follow up with him and go inspect the stuff together. If they are pieces of stuff like my DS does, have him put every piece back with it's whole before he starts playing with anything else.
By using an approach like this, you will actually address many issues at the same time:
1. Object permanance. Things (and people) don't disappear just because I can't see them.
2. Trust and attachment - mom said they'd be here just how I left them when I got home and they are.
3. Control - this is a safe way for you son to experience a feeling of complete control. Hoarding (especially pieces of stuff) is a manifestation of their own fractured feelings and emotions. It's a survival skill kids use to make sure they won't experience the same kind of deprivation or trauma they did before.
It is also a reflection of the internal chaos they are feeling. I'm willing to bet his room usually looks like a tornado hit it - but he's much calmer once mom goes in and reorganizes and dejunks it.
4. By having him put the pieces back, you are reinforcing the need for wholeness and that this stuff isn't nearly as useful or fun to play with in parts as it is when all the pieces are together.
Something else you may want to try is making an "emergency kit" for him. They worked really well for my kids the first several months they were home. I used a zipper pouch pencil case for mine, but a small sandwich keeper type container will work even better. They're a little harder to open (less temptation to scatter the stuff) and not everything has to be completely flat. However you do it, though, you'll want to include things in the kit that will help him feel secure when he's away from you. Some ideas include:
1. A family photo with everyone in it (like your cute Easter one.)
2. A lipstick kiss from mom - just kiss a piece of paper.
3. An emergency food supply - 1 granola bar with a special wrapper. Leave the original one on so he can tell what it is and it still stays edible, but make a new paper sleeve to go over it. Decorate it with a big red cross and indicate that this is to be used only in case of emergencies
4. One small piece of a toy that can't really do much on it's own - a small lego block would work well
5. A picture of your house and his bedroom
6. A small American flag (remove the stick.) This represents that he is where he belongs and that he won't be sent back to the internat
7. A squishy heart. Stitch 2 heart shaped pieces of red felt or fleece together and stuff them with cotton balls. This is a tactile reminder that he is very loved, even when you're not there.
8. My kids had a picture of them hugging their favorite teddy bear in theirs.
Have him help you assemble this little kit - even let him pick out the container for it. Mount the photos on cardstock and laminate them for durability. Then let him take this finished kit in his backpack. You may even want to talk to the teacher about letting him keep it in his desk at school and allow him the freedom to pull it out whenever he needs to. He'll most likely never actually eat the granola bar. He probably just needs the security of knowing that he has food available and that he won't starve to death - remember, that was a very likely real reality for him in his early life. But, if he does eat it, be sure you follow up on it because it likely wasn't about the food or satisfying actual hunger. It was to calm the fear and anxiety of deprivation. Be sure to also replace it if he does eat it.
As for Jacob, I'm betting on trauma and attachment driving this behavior as well.
I know we've talked briefly about PTSD in the past...but it might be time for another longer off-line discussion about it. I know you said you thought this one was ruled out, but you might want to reconsider it as a possibility. With my kids, it drives EVERYTHING they do, including attachment. If you're not sure where stuff you're seeing is coming from, feel free to ask questions. I'd be happy to answer.
BTW, we did to meds for our kids. I just haven't blogged about it yet. But, they are helping a LOT!
Tammy -
Why is owning a mini-van completely humbling? I mean having kids and being a mom in itself is humbling because there are those days when you feel like all you did was discipline, discipline, discipline and clean up messes. But on those days I just try to completely beaware of and take a few moments and praise the Lord for him entrusting us with precious little ones and allowing you the opportunity to raise in them in a home that echoes God's love, forgiveness, compassion and mercy! Also, cry out to him to give you strength! Thank you for your transparency. It blesses me!
P.S. I passed a mini-van the other day that looked exactly like yall's first mini-van way back. I just had to smile.
I read somewhere someone told their kids that discipline is a form of the word disciple which means to teach, how much discpline depends on how long it takes you to learn.
Oh MY! Ella is in the same situation. All of the sudden none of the rules apply to her. She repeats and responds correctly when you are watching, but the moment you turn your head or if she is with daddy or the boys she pushes her limits. Example: Going to bed. Bed is at 8 she knows the routine and she can tell you what she is suppose to do and does it IF I am at home....if I am gone (like last night) she gets throws a crying fit, got up 5 or 6 times and refuses to turn the light out or close the door. Now if I am home she complies without incident. Why? Because she is 5 and it's normal behavior? Because I am not home and she thinks daddy and the boys are push overs?
We have the backpack situation with Inna our adopted 11 yr old. She tries to fit everything she can into her backpack...there is the most random things in there. Not to mention, she has a locker in the 4th grade and there is no telling what all has been stuffed in there...it is hard for me to keep up with. The food hoarding in her room did stop after about 3 mos home though...THANK GOD!!! To be honest...we have dealt with so many other issues, that I havent even gotten to the hoarding of stuff taken to school yet :) I love your great ideas for this, Diana in the comment above. BTW, love the old pics and 6 mos pics back to back...I just can't get over the changes, especially Kaitlyn.
Melanie
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